Mastering the Arc of the Tantrum: What to Do at Each Moment

Tantrums. Those sudden emotional storms that can sweep through your day and leave both parent and child feeling spent.

But here’s the good news: tantrums follow a predictable pattern. And once you understand that pattern, it becomes easier to stay calm, respond effectively, and even strengthen your connection with your child in the process.

One of my favourite tools for understanding this process is Katie Malinski’s Arc of the Tantrum — a really clear visual that shows the stages of a tantrum from calm to chaos and back again. Katie’s work has supported countless parents to see tantrums not as 'bad behaviour', but as a temporary loss of regulation.

When I first came across this tool, I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with my French-speaking clients, so I reached out to Katie, and translated it into French. You can find that version here: Arc de la Crise.

You can see Katie’s original version on her website here: The Arc of the Tantrum by Katie Malinski, LCSW.

Rather than explaining each stage (grab a copy on Katie's website instead), let’s explore what you can do at each moment to help your child regulate, reconnect, and recover.

💡 BEFORE THE TANTRUM: Building Regulation in Everyday Life

Katie’s first stage reminds us that prevention is powerful. Children who are well-rested, well-fed, and emotionally connected are better equipped to handle frustration.

Here are a few ideas for small actions that build regulation before overload hits:

1️⃣ Sensory Micro-Breaks

• Two minutes of bouncing on a ball

• Chewing crunchy food or gum

2️⃣ Low-Demand Check-Ins

• “Want a hug or high five?”

• Ask a fun, easy question (“Pasta or rice for dinner?”)

• Silent thumbs-up/thumbs-down mood check

3️⃣ Emotional Banking

• Share a laugh — a silly joke, funny voice, or dance break

• Play a five-minute game of their choice

4️⃣ Pre-Transition Regulation

• Use gentle countdowns: “Five minutes… two minutes… last minute.”

• Offer a transition object (a small toy, water bottle, or snack).

• Do a short movement reset before shifting activity.

• Play a “beginning or ending” ritual song.

5️⃣ Pre-Emptive Downtime

• Build in “nothing time” between school and homework.

• Headphones or calming music between activities.

  
  

These small regulation top-ups act like deposits in your child’s emotional bank account — the more you add, the easier it is for them to stay balanced when life gets bumpy.

DURING THE STORM: Staying Steady Through Escalation and Dysregulation

When your child starts to spiral, your calm becomes the anchor. As Katie Malinski explains, once a child enters dysregulation, their thinking brain goes offline — they literally can’t reason or respond to logic.

Your goal isn’t to fix the tantrum, but to ride it out safely and steadily.

• Keep yourself calm. Slow your breathing and relax your body.

• Soften your tone and presence. Avoid talking too much; instead, send quiet signals of safety.

• Stay nearby if it helps — or give space if needed. Every child’s needs are different.

• Focus on safety. Protect your child and others, but avoid using words to correct or rationalise.

Katie reminds us that verbal interventions — reasoning, lecturing, or even comforting words — rarely reach a child in this state. What helps more is your quiet, grounded presence.

AFTER THE STORM: Calming and Circle Back

As emotions settle, you might notice your child’s movements slow or their voice soften. This is the calming down stage — and it’s crucial not to rush it.

What to do:

• Allow silence and time.

• Offer a hug or gentle contact if your child seems ready.

• Check your own state before re-engaging.

When they’re back to their usual selves, that’s when you can circle back — not to punish or lecture, but to reconnect and repair.

You might say:

“That was tough earlier. I love you, and I’m glad we’re okay now.”

Later (even days later), you can explore coping skills or repair together:

• “When I get angry, I go for a walk. Maybe that could help you too?”

• “Is there something we can do together to make it right?”

Not every tantrum needs a deep conversation — sometimes, the reconnection alone is enough.

Final thoughts about managing tantrums

Katie Malinski’s Arc of the Tantrum is such a powerful reminder that tantrums are not personal — they are a child’s temporary loss of regulation. When we can see the arc, anticipate it, and respond calmly, we help our children build lifelong emotional skills.

You can find Katie’s full article and downloadable visual here: The Arc of the Tantrum by Katie Malinski, LCSW

And if you’re curious about how this fits into broader brain science, stay tuned — next time, I’ll be exploring Dr. Bruce Perry’s “Regulate, Relate, Reason” Pyramid and how it complements Katie’s work beautifully.